finding the right door

There is something so methodical and therapeutic about typing.  The click of the keyboard … the letters appearing the screen in front of you … the writing of thoughts. The fact that my hand doesn’t hurt after from holding a pen.

I enjoy writing. I like to share my thoughts. I could just sit and write forever with the right playlist in the background. Honestly, my current dream job would be to get paid to write a blog. Ha. Like that will really happen. First of all, I’d need some kind of topic that could carry a blog. What am I interested in that other people are interested in too? There are already plenty of cooking, wedding, and fashion blogs. And let’s face it … where would I gather information for any of those things? Probably from other blogs.

I think it would be incredibly fun to be invited to weddings just to write about them for a blog. How cool would that be? But how do I get on the guest list for every wedding in central Indiana… that’s the challenge. I could take pictures, focus on the uniqueness of the wedding, the couple’s story, and piece it all together into a wonderful summary. I’d get to see some beautiful dresses and flowers, hear wonderful love stories, eat a lot of cake, and drag Jonathan along with me so I have an dance partner.

Or I could pull a Julie Powell and cook my way through a cookbook and post about it.  Here are my current problems with that: 1) cooking for just one person feels like a waste of time and money, 2) I don’t have money to buy food for a new meal every night … sometimes leftovers and box mac n cheese are the most affordable, and 3) my schedule as a student isn’t really the most free, I’ve got work, and homework, and church. Post-grad … this could be a really fun option: and I’ll drag Jonathan into it by making him eat all my food.

Poor Jonathan … he has to deal with my insanity most often. He gets to hear the what-am-I-going-to-do-after-gradutation debate the most. He’s such a good listener … he’s even stopped trying to problem solve! What a guy =) It’s an incredibly internal debate … me versus myself. It’s not pretty … and usually ends with tears.

I really need to trust that everything is going to be okay. I don’t know why I have such a hard time with this. God’s had a pretty good track record in my life: my first job in high school basically fell into my lap, I somehow managed to end up at the right college even with my reluctance to look further than I previously had, my job at school has been an incredible blessing and learning experience, Jonathan came into my life at exactly the right time, my internship was a beautiful disaster that needed to happen … honestly I don’t know why I’m so worried. I guess to some extent I feel like I’m not pulling my weight. If I just sit back and wait for God to drop something into my lap, I haven’t contributed. That’s just laziness … and I don’t think God wants me to be lazy. I think he wants me to be trying to figure out where he wants me … but I think he also wants me to struggle. I just don’t know when he’ll decide I’ve struggled enough and show me his cards.

So for now I sit and wait some more. Waiting for a door to be opened so I can walk through it. I just can’t help but wonder what that door looks like …


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