my heart is not my own

I’m not really sure what happened.  Once upon a time, I was a dreamer. An observer. I had ideas and theories about life and God and relationships. And I forgot most of it … because of a boy.

Yikes. Apparently, I put rose-tinted glasses on without knowing it. At some point in the last year or so, I’ve found ways to justify circumstances and unknowingly lower my expectations. I fell victim to the age old belief that, “he’ll change.” Me, the realist, was optimistic enough to believe that I could cause a guy to change.

I was so caught up in being in a relationship that I was starting to forget who I was. And now I’m on the flip side of a relationship gone bad, feeling let down and heartbroken. Friends and family are so supportive it makes me cry.  Some people have even tried to comfort me by letting me know that if he and I are meant to be, God will let it happen. But I don’t think I want that. I think this break-up was the best thing that happened in our relationship. That sounds so negative and bitter, but I really don’t mean it that way. I just mean that staying together wouldn’t have made me happy in the long run, and ending it now gives me more time to better understand myself and my place in the world.

Even though I’m taking a few steps backward to reclaim myself, I know this year wasn’t a complete waste. If I learned one thing, it was patience. Without getting into a lot of detail, I put up with a lot of stuff during the course of our relationship, that my friends have told me they wouldn’t have had patience for. I waited for things to change, I was giving him time to think. Obviously, all my waiting was useless, but I still learned to be patient. And the saying is that good things come to those who wait. So now I’m settling in to wait some more. I want those good things and so I’ll keep waiting.

I just need to keep my head on straight, let God hold my heart, and learn to let go. God knows the desires of my heart, and He’s got my best interest in mind … so I’m definitely counting on Him to pull out a win here.


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