torn out pages

Occasionally, I like to go back in time and read through my thoughts from the past.  Today I picked up my journal from one year ago, and was reading all the thoughts that had gone through my head and transfered on to paper.

I have grown so much in one year. I knew that already. But the really interesting part was that I can look back on situations with more wisdom and understanding than I could have thought was possible. I can see the growth, and feel the difference in reading it.  I understand why certain things happened to me, and I see how different events and times in my life have shaped me into the person that I have become; a confident young woman who understands herself and her place in the world.

I read through some parts that I’ve read before … times in my life that, up until recently, have made me bitter and upset. I didn’t feel any of that this time. I could read about times in my life when I didn’t really like myself, and I don’t feel confused anymore.  At one point I wrote, “I know people say have no regrets, but I do regret it.  I wish none of it would have ever happened.”  Now I’ve realized that if it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be the person that I am today.  As I look back over the past year and a half, I realized how much of the hurt and pain that I’ve been through has been necessary.  No one likes to hear it, but I think that suffering really does make us better people.  It helps us to rely on God more than we rely on ourselves.

Relient K says it well, “I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change. / I’m ready to be sure I never become that way again / ’cause who I am hates who I’ve been … And I can’t let that happen again / ’cause then you’ll see my heart / In the saddest state it’s ever been.” I honestly never want to be the person I used to be, but I understand now how important it was for me to experience hurt, heartache, and discomfort. Without it, I wouldn’t be as sure of myself, and who God made me to be, as I am.

I am who I am today because of who I was then.

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