A concept that not everyone enjoys. Sometimes silence can be awkward. Sometimes silence can be hard to find. Sometimes silence is exactly what we need.
The minute I discovered that Wednesday night’s talk was about the power of silence, I listened more to a sermon than I have in years. Many topics don’t keep my attention because they are either too in depth or dealing with an issue that I don’t have to deal with. Services that maybe focus a little too much on one single passage, on the meaning of one certain word, and delving in with so much depth that only a person well versed in Biblical theology can grasp the main points. Other times, a talk will have to do with how to raise children, or get along with your spouse … neither of which are issues I currently deal with or will deal with in the near future. Sure they say, “this can apply to any relationship even if you aren’t married” but many of the principles aren’t easily transferable. Services like that make it hard for me to pay attention and easy for me to tune out.
But silence. That is a concept that I need to grasp. A problem and solution that everyone can relate with.
So much of my life now is spent running from silence. Filling my life with noise so that I don’t have to deal with my problems. If the TV isn’t on, music is, and if there is no music on, I sing to myself. My computer or iPod is always on hand and my cell phone nearby so that I can easily distract myself if need be. My life is filled with ways to not focus on how I’m feeling, truly deeply feeling inside. Not am I happy or sad; that can change within the hour. But what am I really feeling about important issues, people, events, and God.
I’m starting to realize that the more I fill my life with noise, the more lonely I’m going feel. If I don’t start listening to the silence, the summer is going to stretch on and on and the loneliness will grow every day. But I don’t have to be lonely. God is here, somewhere. I just need to figure out where and how to connect to Him. My new goal for the summer is to grow spiritually this summer. I have nothing but time on my hands and even though I have very few friends at home, God will always be my friend. I just need to learn what that means. What does that mean? Blue Like Jazz has been a good book for me to read because it tells of a lot of people who were/are still searching for God.
I need to make my faith my own. I’ve been saying that for a while now, but seriously. The past year at school, God has taught me about having peace for the future, but I want more. I want a relationship with God like I’ve heard other people having, like He’s a pal you can just talk to on the phone every day. I want to get there for me personally, but I’m hoping to make progress before the new school year begins.
Next year, I’m going to be a mentor in my dorm and a student leader at the TV station. Both positions put me in a role of influence, and I don’t want to be a bad or mediocre influence. Mentoring scares me more than I would let on. I would have liked my mentor last year to have pushed me a little more spiritually. I don’t know if I would have been in a place that I would have been open to accept it, but I would have liked the opportunity. So I want to give my mentee that opportunity. I want to be in a place that I can be a spiritual … leader? maybe not the right word, guide or partner might be a better option.