what if.

I’d hoped my next post would be positive about something good that’s happening in my life, but now that I’m on break from school, it gives me so much more time to think and wonder about what my life could be like in 5-10 years.  It’s scary. It’s terrifying. Heck, I think they could make a movie about my life in 5 years and I’d categorize it as a horror movie.  The endless possibilities, the multiple outcomes, the suspense is killing me.

I would categorize myself as a realist, but I suppose a pessimist is really what I am.  I try and be realistic, but I always assume that reality is going to end up being 2nd best to my dreams. Second best isn’t what I want. The possibility that I could be so close to achieving all of my dreams and yet, may have to settle for the next best thing is almost as bad as telling me that my life is going to have the worst possible outcome I could imagine. And while the next best thing shouldn’t scare me … it does.

I want to be a television director. Say that doesn’t happen, and I end up working for a small media production company doing what I enjoy, but not at the caliber I want. That’s not the worst thing in the world, but what if, I had waited just a little longer, looked a little harder, taken a bigger risk … maybe I could have a great job working for a major TV company.

The what ifs plague me with worry. What if … I can’t find a job? I can’t pay my bills? I don’t have any friends? I don’t get married? I do get married? I have kids?!  I know these are all minor, and I probably shouldn’t even think about it yet, but I only have 3 years left of school. That is a lot less than it seems like it should be. If every year flies by like this past year has, I’ll graduate sooner than I could spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious backwards without writing it down.


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