red rover, red rover

I’ve realized that I have a hard time trusting people. Up until now, I haven’t had the slightest idea of what the cause may be, because every website or book I’ve ever read the deals with this issue places the cause within the family. But my family life has been good.  My parents didn’t abandon me, they didn’t neglect me, I never had a parent threaten not to come home. 

S o I thought to myself, “why do I have trust issues?” And I’m not talking about with specific people, I’m talking about the fact that I have a hard time trusting anyone. I understand that when people let me down, it’s hard for me to trust them again. But why the general distrust of everyone?

Ever since elementary school, I have had to make new friends every year. I’m not particularly good at making friends fast either. In elementary and middle school, I had to make new friends every year because I was always in a different class from my friends from the year before. So they were all together, and I never saw them, and thus had to become friends with different people, people in my new class.  I never liked this; I’m one of the people that would choose to have a few really good friends instead of a lot of  acquaintance friends.  

Coming in to high school, everyone from middle school was going to be there, but since we moved into a larger population of people, there was even less of a chance that I would have classes with anyone I knew. So again, I had to start over, sitting by myself at lunch for the first few weeks of school. I always brought a book with me everywhere, so even if I was alone, it would look like there was a purpose. I was meeting people, but no one that I thought I could be friends with.  By the end of my freshman year, I had finally made some friends. Some that would last, and some that have trickled off.  After that year, I could usually find someone in my classes that I know, and if not, I always had my books. 

It’s not as bad as I’m making it sound.  I really did have a good high school experience, and I have met a lot of different people who have impacted my life in many different ways.  But in hindsight, I realize that because I never had the same friends I felt a sense of abandonment.  So that’s where my lack of trust has come from; not from my family, but from friends, or lack thereof.

I naively thought that college would reduce the chance of this happening.  I mean my friends are all on campus, so even if we didn’t have classes together, we would live and eat together.  And that has been true.  Maintaining friendships is easier, but people still come and go. I have so many friends who are transferring next year and a few that are graduating this year, and more that will graduate next year.  I don’t like this. I don’t like people leaving me! And I know I can’t be selfish and make them stay. They have valid reasons for leaving and I can’t stop someone from graduating. 

It just makes me sad. So many of my friends are not going to be a big part of my life anymore. And I can’t do anything about it.  Facebook, iChat, and phone calls just aren’t the same as being on the same campus as someone and seeing them all the time.


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